alr im just gonna explain things real qwick

saint drank coke on vc with [REDACTED] like a **** so I took over

- idk if u remember, but I refer to the memories I forgot as "saint"

trying to fix things now esp academically

i smiled like a **** while I was vibing to music bc i remembered something about [REDACTED] so I had to turn it off

ran out of any substance I can use to feel except for pills so im depending on those but that's risky biznes

still got 3 ass-ignments to do, cost takes the least amount of time, then stdn and finally stx

I fucking hate these classes but the major's Force's dream one and you know how it is, anything for her

as you can tell, I'm very tired

need to keep the thoughts away

or maybe im just too weak

been a while

Serafino out

I feel wrong

these habits are a joke

Saw the moon

Staying focused is a struggle

26/2/2021

Had some coffee 2dya

Coke now

Im rlly tring to save our grades but it's harder thN IT SEEMS

I got this doe

Saint if ur reading this dont b ********

Noctis asked me if im fines so gotta watch out how i talk

i just remembered this but one time [REDACTED] told us that [REDACTED] bc we told him that we were gonna [REDACTED]

Like [REDACTED]hahahahaha

Ofc saint laughed it off but holy shit lmaooooo

The thoughts are back

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghfhg get out get out getoutgetuot

I'm in a state where i miss him at times and it's pissing me off

He hurt us yuo ******

Gonnna [REDACTED] myself to make it stop

[REDACTED]

This is stupid

Gonnago for the wall the sword did nothing

Ew theres still [REDACTED] on it

I never bothered to clean??

When did i become so weak?? Fuck my hads hurt fuck me

Theyre shaking

Weak

Weak

Weak

Weak

I cant tell who i am

I feel weird

Welp

Really shouldn't have given away my possessions like that, saint[CLEARED note: ???]

I'll get myself a new one, it's fine [NOTE: upon reading what "saint" wrote... seriously? wasn't that years ago?]

Did i really give it away though?

Must've. Will check later. But i'm sure of it.

Anyway, got that assignment.

Alright done-ish with the assignment, 2 hrs early

Found a shitton of money in my room and also an almost empty dark choc thing so thanks for the money and snack

Why do i want to [stop saying that.] myself so bad

I want to [REDACTED. again.] myself

It's not about wanting to feel pain it's about [REDACTED] me

Does that make any sense

I deserve [NO!!!]

I want to [REDACTED] me and i want to see me suffer

If i could possess someone and beat the shit out of this body and see the fear in its eyes i'd do it

I'm a bit confused as to why i use nicknames like that but whatever helps me communicate how i feel i guess

I need to beat someone up and that someone has to be me

I wish i could have a lucid dream where i just punch a clone of myself over and over again

Managed to distract myself by playing with ykw

Why do i still talk to him?

Is he forgiven?

I can feel myself remember

I'm exhausted

Big Saint leave me Alone

We have homework to do

Assignments

Pray we have Coke

''THE ACCURSED

THE ETERNAL''

I found Coke

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

Why would they lie [NOTE : all of this gets resolved later in another entry.]

Why would they lie

We joined jregoria in june not march

And we broke up with [REDACTED] in JULY NOT MARCH

What the hell

I dont remember this

I dont remember any of this

Why the fuck did [no.] lie about the dates

Was it even [nope]?

Who told me it was in march?

No no no no no no no

Thats why it hurt so much when [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

It had only been a month

What?

That doesnt add up

None of this adds up

It doesnt make any sense

How did [REDACTED] pretend we were this close if i broke up with my ex in JULY

It's written right there

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED] we were still fighting because he was refusing to [REDACTED]

Im going to kill saint

11 june is when i got [REDACTED]

7 may is when H clawed at our leg? Clawed? Didnt we get bitten?

None of this makes any sense

Who the fuck am i?

I don't remember [REDACTED] in a good light and i barely remember the good times with [REDACTED]

Saint is just hanging around like a mosquito

Im so done with thjs bullshit

What the fuck

on 30/6/2020 i wrote''i feel like im going insane'' [NOTE: Where??]

YEAH NO SHIT

Okay calm down

I couldve joined the server before june

Wait

Okay i joined the triangle server in may

No i definitely joined jreg in june

And i got [REDACTED] by [REDACTED] while we were in jregoria thats why

Thats why i dont remember things then

getting [REDACTED] by a childhood friend must've been [REDACTED]

So i'm who ''belphecrow'' is supposed to be

I miss the triangle server

My own brain stole nine months from me

Well i'm back

I have to fix things now

No wonder i had a dream about jay [who??]

Holy shit

yeah i [REDACTED] way before everything

I have to keep this shit under control

I still refuse to be in a relationship post-[REDACTED]

I'm turning 20 but i feel like i'm barely 19

Holy shit the time gap is such a pain to deal with

I'm going to eat chocolate and work on that assignment

Finally being grounded on sunday night is the worst. [NOTE: "grounded" is a word i would've used in the context of dissociation; as in, finally feeling... real again?]

1/3/2021

Hair goes snip snip

Removed 6 cm (6 months) but kept a braid.

I had to, the ends were breaking, but they're still below my shoulders

They'll grow back, but i really have to be more careful and braid them properly when i go to sleep

Mars! The perfect nickname. Almost. Sort of.

I was supposed to study yesterday.

<< I bet my left eye he scurried over to the others like a cockroach.>>

I dont remember writing this ^

Fixed my hair a bit

Gotta study

Ahhhhhhhh hell another uber memory

The pain

8.4.2021

I had to look away to scroll down to here.

Anyway.

I unblocked [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and I will hopefully talk to [REDACTED] again. I remember much more now. But if he doesn't want to talk to me ever again I understand, considering I hurt him so much...since I had no idea who he was...x-x

Why do I have to be so damn mean?

Things are going really well with Iveros despite the memory gap. So maybe there's hope for people like me ahahahha

I'm worried about [REDACTED] , he hasn't been on Discord in 2 days now. I checked his last seen on Whatsapp and he used spotify this morning so at least I know he's alive. But still.. I messaged him on Snap but he hasn't even opened it. Might call him tomorrow. After all, if he doesn't want to answer, he'll just...hang up, right? Right?...

Or maybe I should just leave him alone. He's better off without me: hating me then forgetting all about me.

But at the same time, I feel like he wouldn't want me to do that? I can't explain it.

I'm going to scroll up now…

????????????????????????

AHAHAHHAHA OKAY WAIT WAIT

> Shouldn't have given my possessions away like that [man.]

It took me a sec to understand what the fuck I was referring to - IT WAS A GIFT FROM [REDACTED]. FUCK YOU. HE HELD A KNIFE TO MY THROAT AND [REDACTED] ME.

> Barely remember the good times

[REDACTED]'s the only one who feels real. [Note: I hope you realise now who you were conflating him with.] But now I lost him because of...

> The dates mixup

Christ. My timeline might be mixed up because I wrote about Jregoria way after joining it. BUT I mentioned it to my ex when I joined when we were "complicated"i.e. he was refusing to break up with me (but it was already over at that point) [note: i don't remember any of this, and i didn't tell anyone apparently because my own best friend thinks this relationship only lasted 2 years and not 3] and I even said that we broke up when we did, on the server. So. I won't be able to know which month it was. Because I probably wrote LATER in my journal.

I keep demonising this version of myself or rather just the ...just...the memories. But I keep saying that ''Saint'' is the one that doesn't remember shit when it's the opposite. Does that make sense? [no you're wrong.]

And I shouldn't have cut my hair, but it's still long-ish so it's fine.

And before you ask, yes, I started remembering/stopped repressing memories after I drank so much I had the same thing described in the first entry when I drank coke. Maybe don't do that, yeah? :) [sike.]

I'm not drinking till at least May, and I'm wary of caffeine.

I still have to work on an assignment so I'll get to it.

10.4.2021

I'm talking to [REDACTED] again. [big mistake] I have to talk to a bunch of other people still. Things really went out of control. But I blame myself. Sometimes not talking to people makes them spread more rumors instead of the opposite.

I had a nightmare and woke up biting the side of my tongue.

Got Ica a new cage, it needs some adjustments.

I'm happy to see that I wrote some poems but...let's not show them to anyone, yes?

1242021

Yeah we couldn't have joined jregoria b4 april it mustve been between may and july

Huge w for you i hope ur happy that ur anger was justified or something [???]

[REDACTED] still mia but thats prolly cause he saw u react to [REDACTED]'s message

w/e hes not ignoring you in public or anything so maybe it's nothin

Besides you didnt rlly text him again u just answered an old text of his

Mayb hes salty that we broke the snap streak

Idk

U have to vc with both [REDACTED] and wolfy tonite but bc wolfy also doesnt sleep you'll call her after the vc with [REDACTED] - plus you'll prolly fall asleep on vc w/her anyway

Assignment for tmrw is ez but eh

Boring

I dun wanna talk abt this too much but 3 new playlists on spotify! Uber's, vorona's and another jacin/bel one. Come get ur vibes, or something

Also check w/time if hes actually coming to leb this month or next month - vaccines are gonna start rollin in may i think, for future reference we're getting sputnik

U rlly gotta stop letting ur dms pile up

Found a poem i wrote when i was rlly young about icicles?? It's pretty sweet lmao

I might type it out later bc i dont wanna lose it

That one and the one i wrote 4 [REDACTED]

Alr i really need to get started on this assignment

13.4.2021

Fixing things.

My to-do list is finally looking emptier.

14.4.2021 - Waxing Crescent - IX of Wands (reversed)

I don't know why the thing says my access is expired. Anyway.

Got 1 thing done, still got 4 to go.

Big day on Friday.

It's worth mentioning that it was supposed to be nothing ‘till May. Not just alcohol.

3 to go.

2.5 to go…

I feel like throwing up.

19.4.2021

Are you trying to make it happen again? Pull yourself together.

20.4.2021

The only thing keeping me from being in a bad mood is the constant reminder that you cannot hurt the dead.

Why do I feel like there's something big tomorrow that I'm forgetting?

I still see people as tasks I have to deal with.

Uber's new music is really nice.

22.4.2021

Yeah I'm losing track of time.

BUT

Things are okay.

I got reminded of...you know...yesterday, I'd say it's been a while but every time i see the drawings of him in my room... yeah.

Hopefully he's still out there, and who knows, maybe we'll meet again.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

I taught Sophia a new thing!!

I still have assignments…

But it'll be okay.

I'm seeing C on Saturday. I have to work on a gift for her. Maybe a plant? I can give her some of the new ones I planted outside. I got a spare pot. I could paint it tomorrow!

I'll add a gemstone or a cool rock in there just for good measure.

I'm listening to music with Vorona rn. We talked about stuff but it went well. I told him that I don't wanna be with anyone (and that I don't have feelings for him) and he took it quite well ahah. He gave me a late B-day present though, so now my lizer brain is going “Ah guess I'm bound to him forever like a demon” as always every time I get a gift.

27-28/4/2021

that doesnt make any sense

that doesnt make any sense

that doesnt make any sense

plane came close by, things blew up and i heard guns but thats nothing new

look i just think that something doesnt add up and im glad im not doing anything stupid but it's getting pretty loud so perhaps i should take a risk, walk a bit farther tomorrow, visit the shrine again, go to the park, don't use the command, cleaning one's room is also a good idea, please don't use the command

if one is so paranoid that one would change one's mind perhaps one should change one's mind

you're losing good friends here

stop being so selfish and let your friends spend time with you

you're losing literally everyone around you for one person

this is so dumb

why do you have to be so selfish

im not letting you do anything till you talk to your friends

they do so much for you and what have you done for them

thats what i thought

im willing to hurt those who hurt my friends and it includes me

how about you snap out of it and start acting like the person they know again

you'll make them worry otherwise

im getting tired of this shit it's not that difficult to play ur part

no-one cares

no-one

use ur brain next time it'll save me some time thanks

3-4/5/2021 do i have to repeat myself i dont think that i have to repeat myself keep making stupid decisions. go ahead :)) see what happens xdd

May 5.2021

[8:49 PM]Deleted User

15/5/2021

Nononononono

Not yet

See it's funny cause i knew