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THE RAMSTEAD



Don't forget to Blink :) [NOTE: The names do not mean anything. This is just how my brain experiences reality. And yes, I censored a lot. A lot. But I didn't delete anything without marking it first.]

RAMSTEAD

CHATROOM

MNEMOSYNE

1/8/2020 [entry from physical diary ]

Time flies, doesn't it?

Worked out & took a shower, did stuff on Jregoria. Having brekkie rn. Alone. Klo is late.

Finished b-fast. Wish I had my creams.

Playing with Icarus.

We're at Fouad's chalet now. Ghassan's here. [REDACTED] (Noctis) hasn't texted me anything yet.

Night. Went on VC.

Matt Cooper Mack Speer Trotsky Shapiro.

It was fun.

"Revolt Against The Modern World" (reading it rn)

Didn't see Noctis today like I was supposed to. I don't know when we're leaving yet. I'll have to plan out my day tomorrow.

4/8/2020 [last physical entry]

Woke up late. Jregoria died yesterday. Saw it happen.

Wish I had woken up earlier.

I should plan out my day.

Today, I will [REDACTED. It's a list of tasks and workouts and lecture, then a detailed workout plan, and a drawing of dresses. on top of the drawing:]

I will be wearing dresses more often, and find new ways to style them-

Bomb exploded, I think.

I have a lot of work to do.

At Rahlou's house. Notebook's all dusty. We don't know exactly what caused the explosion yet, but it's all too convenient, Hezb, the port . . .

Maybe this'll show my parents that moving out isn't such a bad idea. I'm proud of myself for staying calm but part of me thinks I'm in shock. Oh well.

[REDACTED]

25/2/2021

alr im just gonna explain things real qwick

saint drank coke on vc with [REDACTED] like a **** so I took over

- idk if u remember, but I refer to the memories I forgot as "saint"

trying to fix things now esp academically

i smiled like a **** while I was vibing to music bc i remembered something about [REDACTED] so I had to turn it off

ran out of any substance I can use to feel except for pills so im depending on those but that's risky biznes

still got 3 ass-ignments to do, cost takes the least amount of time, then stdn and finally stx

I fucking hate these classes but the major's Force's dream one and you know how it is, anything for her

as you can tell, I'm very tired

need to keep the thoughts away

or maybe im just too weak

been a while

Serafino out

I feel wrong

these habits are a joke

Saw the moon

Staying focused is a struggle

26/2/2021

Had some coffee 2dya

Coke now

Im rlly tring to save our grades but it's harder thN IT SEEMS

I got this doe

Saint if ur reading this dont b ********

Noctis asked me if im fines so gotta watch out how i talk

i just remembered this but one time [REDACTED] told us that [REDACTED] bc we told him that we were gonna [REDACTED]

Like [REDACTED]hahahahaha

Ofc saint laughed it off but holy shit lmaooooo

The thoughts are back

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghfhg get out get out getoutgetuot

I'm in a state where i miss him at times and it's pissing me off

He hurt us yuo ******

Gonnna [REDACTED] myself to make it stop

[REDACTED]

This is stupid

Gonnago for the wall the sword did nothing

Ew theres still [REDACTED] on it

I never bothered to clean??

When did i become so weak?? Fuck my hads hurt fuck me

Theyre shaking

Weak

Weak

Weak

Weak

I cant tell who i am

I feel weird

27/2/2021

Welp

Really shouldn't have given away my possessions like that, saint[CLEARED note: ???]

I'll get myself a new one, it's fine [NOTE: upon reading what "saint" wrote... seriously? wasn't that years ago?]

Did i really give it away though?

Must've. Will check later. But i'm sure of it.

Anyway, got that assignment.

Alright done-ish with the assignment, 2 hrs early

Found a shitton of money in my room and also an almost empty dark choc thing so thanks for the money and snack

Why do i want to [stop saying that.] myself so bad

I want to [REDACTED. again.] myself

It's not about wanting to feel pain it's about [REDACTED] me

Does that make any sense

I deserve [NO!!!]

I want to [REDACTED] me and i want to see me suffer

If i could possess someone and beat the shit out of this body and see the fear in its eyes i'd do it

I'm a bit confused as to why i use nicknames like that but whatever helps me communicate how i feel i guess

I need to beat someone up and that someone has to be me

I wish i could have a lucid dream where i just punch a clone of myself over and over again

Managed to distract myself by playing with ykw

Why do i still talk to him?

Is he forgiven?

I can feel myself remember

I'm exhausted

28/2/2021

Big Saint leave me Alone

We have homework to do

Assignments

Pray we have Coke

''THE ACCURSED

THE ETERNAL''

I found Coke

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

Why would they lie [NOTE : all of this gets resolved later in another entry.]

Why would they lie

We joined jregoria in june not march

And we broke up with [REDACTED] in JULY NOT MARCH

What the hell

I dont remember this

I dont remember any of this

Why the fuck did [no.] lie about the dates

Was it even [nope]?

Who told me it was in march?

No no no no no no no

Thats why it hurt so much when [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

It had only been a month

What?

That doesnt add up

None of this adds up

It doesnt make any sense

How did [REDACTED] pretend we were this close if i broke up with my ex in JULY

It's written right there

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED] we were still fighting because he was refusing to [REDACTED]

Im going to kill saint

11 june is when i got [REDACTED]

7 may is when H clawed at our leg? Clawed? Didnt we get bitten?

None of this makes any sense

Who the fuck am i?

I don't remember [REDACTED] in a good light and i barely remember the good times with [REDACTED]

Saint is just hanging around like a mosquito

Im so done with thjs bullshit

What the fuck

on 30/6/2020 i wrote''i feel like im going insane'' [NOTE: Where??]

YEAH NO SHIT

Okay calm down

I couldve joined the server before june

Wait

Okay i joined the triangle server in may

No i definitely joined jreg in june

And i got [REDACTED] by [REDACTED] while we were in jregoria thats why

Thats why i dont remember things then

getting [REDACTED] by a childhood friend must've been [REDACTED]

So i'm who ''belphecrow'' is supposed to be

I miss the triangle server

My own brain stole nine months from me

Well i'm back

I have to fix things now

No wonder i had a dream about jay [who??]

Holy shit

yeah i [REDACTED] way before everything

I have to keep this shit under control

I still refuse to be in a relationship post-[REDACTED]

I'm turning 20 but i feel like i'm barely 19

Holy shit the time gap is such a pain to deal with

I'm going to eat chocolate and work on that assignment

Finally being grounded on sunday night is the worst. [NOTE: "grounded" is a word i would've used in the context of dissociation; as in, finally feeling... real again?]

1/3/2021

Hair goes snip snip

Removed 6 cm (6 months) but kept a braid.

I had to, the ends were breaking, but they're still below my shoulders

They'll grow back, but i really have to be more careful and braid them properly when i go to sleep

2/3/2021

[REDACTED]

3/3/2021

Mars! The perfect nickname. Almost. Sort of.

I was supposed to study yesterday.

<< I bet my left eye he scurried over to the others like a cockroach.>>

I dont remember writing this ^

Fixed my hair a bit

Gotta study

Ahhhhhhhh hell another uber memory

The pain

8.4.2021

I had to look away to scroll down to here.

Anyway.

I unblocked [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and I will hopefully talk to [REDACTED] again. I remember much more now. But if he doesn't want to talk to me ever again I understand, considering I hurt him so much...since I had no idea who he was...x-x

Why do I have to be so damn mean?

Things are going really well with Iveros despite the memory gap. So maybe there's hope for people like me ahahahha

I'm worried about [REDACTED] , he hasn't been on Discord in 2 days now. I checked his last seen on Whatsapp and he used spotify this morning so at least I know he's alive. But still.. I messaged him on Snap but he hasn't even opened it. Might call him tomorrow. After all, if he doesn't want to answer, he'll just...hang up, right? Right?...

Or maybe I should just leave him alone. He's better off without me: hating me then forgetting all about me.

But at the same time, I feel like he wouldn't want me to do that? I can't explain it.

I'm going to scroll up now…

????????????????????????

AHAHAHHAHA OKAY WAIT WAIT

> Shouldn't have given my possessions away like that [man.]

It took me a sec to understand what the fuck I was referring to - IT WAS A GIFT FROM [REDACTED]. FUCK YOU. HE HELD A KNIFE TO MY THROAT AND [REDACTED] ME.

> Barely remember the good times

[REDACTED]'s the only one who feels real. [Note: I hope you realise now who you were conflating him with.] But now I lost him because of...

> The dates mixup

Christ. My timeline might be mixed up because I wrote about Jregoria way after joining it. BUT I mentioned it to my ex when I joined when we were "complicated"i.e. he was refusing to break up with me (but it was already over at that point) [note: i don't remember any of this, and i didn't tell anyone apparently because my own best friend thinks this relationship only lasted 2 years and not 3] and I even said that we broke up when we did, on the server. So. I won't be able to know which month it was. Because I probably wrote LATER in my journal.

I keep demonising this version of myself or rather just the ...just...the memories. But I keep saying that ''Saint'' is the one that doesn't remember shit when it's the opposite. Does that make sense? [no you're wrong.]

And I shouldn't have cut my hair, but it's still long-ish so it's fine.

And before you ask, yes, I started remembering/stopped repressing memories after I drank so much I had the same thing described in the first entry when I drank coke. Maybe don't do that, yeah? :) [sike.]

I'm not drinking till at least May, and I'm wary of caffeine.

I still have to work on an assignment so I'll get to it.

10.4.2021

I'm talking to [REDACTED] again. [big mistake] I have to talk to a bunch of other people still. Things really went out of control. But I blame myself. Sometimes not talking to people makes them spread more rumors instead of the opposite.

I had a nightmare and woke up biting the side of my tongue.

Got Ica a new cage, it needs some adjustments.

I'm happy to see that I wrote some poems but...let's not show them to anyone, yes?

1242021

Yeah we couldn't have joined jregoria b4 april it mustve been between may and july

Huge w for you i hope ur happy that ur anger was justified or something [???]

[REDACTED] still mia but thats prolly cause he saw u react to [REDACTED]'s message

w/e hes not ignoring you in public or anything so maybe it's nothin

Besides you didnt rlly text him again u just answered an old text of his

Mayb hes salty that we broke the snap streak

Idk

U have to vc with both [REDACTED] and wolfy tonite but bc wolfy also doesnt sleep you'll call her after the vc with [REDACTED] - plus you'll prolly fall asleep on vc w/her anyway

Assignment for tmrw is ez but eh

Boring

I dun wanna talk abt this too much but 3 new playlists on spotify! Uber's, vorona's and another jacin/bel one. Come get ur vibes, or something

Also check w/time if hes actually coming to leb this month or next month - vaccines are gonna start rollin in may i think, for future reference we're getting sputnik

U rlly gotta stop letting ur dms pile up

Found a poem i wrote when i was rlly young about icicles?? It's pretty sweet lmao

I might type it out later bc i dont wanna lose it

That one and the one i wrote 4 [REDACTED]

Alr i really need to get started on this assignment

13.4.2021

Fixing things.

My to-do list is finally looking emptier.

14.4.2021 - Waxing Crescent - IX of Wands (reversed)

I don't know why the thing says my access is expired. Anyway.

Got 1 thing done, still got 4 to go.

Big day on Friday.

It's worth mentioning that it was supposed to be nothing ‘till May. Not just alcohol.

3 to go.

2.5 to go…

I feel like throwing up.

19.4.2021

Are you trying to make it happen again? Pull yourself together.

20.4.2021

The only thing keeping me from being in a bad mood is the constant reminder that you cannot hurt the dead.

Why do I feel like there's something big tomorrow that I'm forgetting?

I still see people as tasks I have to deal with.

Uber's new music is really nice.

22.4.2021

Yeah I'm losing track of time.

BUT

Things are okay.

I got reminded of...you know...yesterday, I'd say it's been a while but every time i see the drawings of him in my room... yeah.

Hopefully he's still out there, and who knows, maybe we'll meet again.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

I taught Sophia a new thing!!

I still have assignments…

But it'll be okay.

I'm seeing C on Saturday. I have to work on a gift for her. Maybe a plant? I can give her some of the new ones I planted outside. I got a spare pot. I could paint it tomorrow!

I'll add a gemstone or a cool rock in there just for good measure.

I'm listening to music with Vorona rn. We talked about stuff but it went well. I told him that I don't wanna be with anyone (and that I don't have feelings for him) and he took it quite well ahah. He gave me a late B-day present though, so now my lizer brain is going “Ah guess I'm bound to him forever like a demon” as always every time I get a gift.

27-28/4/2021

that doesnt make any sense

that doesnt make any sense

that doesnt make any sense

plane came close by, things blew up and i heard guns but thats nothing new

look i just think that something doesnt add up and im glad im not doing anything stupid but it's getting pretty loud so perhaps i should take a risk, walk a bit farther tomorrow, visit the shrine again, go to the park, don't use the command, cleaning one's room is also a good idea, please don't use the command

if one is so paranoid that one would change one's mind perhaps one should change one's mind

you're losing good friends here

stop being so selfish and let your friends spend time with you

you're losing literally everyone around you for one person

this is so dumb

why do you have to be so selfish

im not letting you do anything till you talk to your friends

they do so much for you and what have you done for them

thats what i thought

im willing to hurt those who hurt my friends and it includes me

how about you snap out of it and start acting like the person they know again

you'll make them worry otherwise

im getting tired of this shit it's not that difficult to play ur part

no-one cares

no-one

use ur brain next time it'll save me some time thanks

3-4/5/2021 do i have to repeat myself i dont think that i have to repeat myself keep making stupid decisions. go ahead :)) see what happens xdd

May 5.2021

[8:49 PM]Deleted User

15/5/2021

Nononononono

Not yet

See it's funny cause i knew

May 19, 2021

[1:30 AM]Deleted User: am i gonna make it

[2:06 AM]Deleted User: her blood

your hands

[7:37 AM]Deleted User: grenade a explose deh

[7:53 AM]Deleted User: SHESBACKSHESBAKCAEHSHDHHA

[8:18 AM]Deleted User: late nite hallucinations most likely sleep p

[9:02 AM]Deleted User: he said that im bein flirtatious/ [REDACTED] (calls himself my lil bro) and [REDACTED] (on and on abt how gr8 of a FRIEND i am) r being flirtatious conmigo xdd

[12:40 PM]Deleted User: im sorry for not taking the time to mourn ill call the family this evening ill do it im sorry

[12:47 PM]Deleted User: you ever listen to a song and go "okay i need both earbuds in for this"

[12:48 PM]Deleted User: remember when ppl used2sit here (image of college)

[4:42 PM]Deleted User: the feeling that comes with

-being the only person in your family that updates the family tree

-changing someone's status to deceased

is quite something

but keeping that tree is worth it when you add

marriages and births

ancestors you didnt know of

so im glad ive been doing it for around a decade now

[4:49 PM]Deleted User: will anyone write the year i die under my name?

and the name of those that come after me?

my sister's children and their children

my cousins' descendents, my oldest ancestor's ancestor

will anyone care enough to water the tree

of a lineage that ends with me?

[4:50 PM]Deleted User: massive headache after college en présentiel

[4:50 PM]Deleted User: which makes sense bc i had to wear the damn mask all day & forgot my meds

[4:50 PM]Deleted User: at least my side doesnt hurt at all today

[4:50 PM]Deleted User: guess time heals everything

[5:26 PM]Deleted User: israel said they wouldnt retaliate and yet they shelled us 2 days ago

[5:38 PM]Deleted User: dad just texted me that asma's sister died today

[5:38 PM]Deleted User: heart problems and covid

[5:42 PM]Deleted User: when crow loses two relatives in a month and instead of talking to her family she isolates herself from everyone xdxd

[10:43 PM]Deleted User: smonktime

[10:44 PM]Deleted User: i already did but

bleh idk eza ele jalad to get changed xdd

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: im gonn get som jelleb and study seems to be efficient in gettin my mind off things

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: mayb a lil bit before

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: bleh

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: i gotta finish at least 1 assignment that i got for friday

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: late classes kicking me int he ass

[10:45 PM]Deleted User: todays was already an unpleasant surprise

[10:46 PM]Deleted User: azrael

[10:46 PM]Deleted User: already? xd

[10:47 PM]Deleted User: actually no

[10:47 PM]Deleted User: hmm

[10:48 PM]Deleted User: is this what withdrawal feels like im just constantly confused and my head hurts like hell and i get random panic attks

[10:49 PM]Deleted User: got one in the car with madre and she was like "focus on the music" and tryin to help which doesnt makesense and i was laughing it off like "im fine!!"but then i had to take my mask off and it was so embarrassing and i didnt want her to know that ive been doing less than ideal bc she already has to deal with enough

[10:50 PM]Deleted User: my fault for thinkin that i could just slightly take above the dose ur supposed to take every hour 3 times a day xd

[10:50 PM]Deleted User: still not as bad as when i took so much ibuprofen i could feel the acid in my stomach move

[10:51 PM]Deleted User: gotta check caw-caw for the recording on that day xd

[10:51 PM]Deleted User: dd we always not have hot water or is that a post-august lebanon thing

[10:52 PM]Deleted User: [REDACTED] figured out the saturne thing so quicjly

[10:52 PM]Deleted User: no im not gonna call [REDACTED] we already agreed that time was right

[10:52 PM]Deleted User: bleh

[10:53 PM]Deleted User: hunt also said that time was right

[10:54 PM]Deleted User: hell i agree xd tho i was gonna before the whole

[10:54 PM]Deleted User: yeah

[10:54 PM]Deleted User: this sucks

[10:54 PM]Deleted User: alright here if im sober tonight sure

[10:55 PM]Deleted User: i dont wanna say anything stupid xdd mans sent a 8min recording and i felt the urge to crack a joke halfway thru

[10:55 PM]Deleted User: im lucky

[10:55 PM]Deleted User: im grateful for my friends

[10:56 PM]Deleted User: im grateful that i have so many people who care about me

[10:56 PM]Deleted User: im lucky to have them

[10:56 PM]Deleted User: im fine

[10:57 PM]Deleted User: people have it worse right xdd i mean he was talking abt rose when he said it but

[10:57 PM]Deleted User: after all

[10:57 PM]Deleted User: im lucky to have people who care about me

[10:58 PM]Deleted User: im so lucky!! that im not alone!!

[10:58 PM]Deleted User: people would never depend on me dont think about that thats just ridiculous I JUST gotta ignore what rose said and what iveros said

24/5/2021

The only thing keeping me sane is my faith.

Cosmic justice if you will.

She cries wolf so much it's a matter of time before I actually become one xdd

They all think I'm the monster, they have no idea what it's like.

I believe that she will get what she deserves. I KNOW she will.

Mom cried last Friday.

It's not her fault. She thinks she's been through the stuff I'm going through with my sister, she has no idea how she really is.

It'll be okay. She'll get what she deserves. In fact, she already is. I mean look at her, she's miserable. She [REDACTED holy shit]. It feels weird to see her try to [SHUT UP!!] Maybe she's like this because she's[ man.]. She bullied me for years when I was with Carl because she [let's not go there], and that she did stuff with guys she [you pretentious piece of shit]. It's not her fault, though, she simply got brainwashed to believe that [what kind of rightist rhetoric is this ??? is one version of me a fascist ??? die.].

Remember the look on her face when I effortlessly had [shut it]? What about when I had it perfectly [shut]? All she does is buy [can we not]. Look at how much [shame people]. Remember how [on this stuff, please?].

She's already paying the price of being a terrible sister. She has to live with the embodiment of everything she isn't. Not just physically. She'll never be satisfied with [no.], and she can't understand how I'm [no.]. She can't comprehend seeing me live my day-to-day life not complaining about myself.

Also I don't think she's ever recovered of being called the dumb sister. She would always get envious when people called me a genius or whatever.

I'm flawed as any person is. See, that's the key. Everyone Is Flawed.

Striving to be perfect is heresy. [NOTE: i despise you. if that's the version of me that's all buddy-buddy with uber - because i recall that he got a hold of the link to this text and praised this entry - then i get it now; and i hope you've done your job, and that you're gone now. that whatever trauma created you was healed, and that whatever role you were filling no longer needs someone. your entries are worse than "acheron"'s. i genuinely hope you're gone forever.]

March 15, 2022

[9:09 PM]ramstead: you're always tired. you drink coffee but all it does is make you paranoid. why can't you just do something? nothing's enjoyable anymore, you don't make plans because you don't even plan on making it for very long. you have no reason to. everything's tasteless. you drag yourself out of the house, drink with people who aren't your friends, just spectators, waiting for the day you finally snap. you drink with them, smoke with them, laugh at their jokes. in college, it's the same thing. you laugh, you share a meal, you go to the bathroom to cry about what others did to you, how they hit and hit until they broke you, until you couldn't remember anything - you don't take off your mask lest someone can tell, cruel onlookers with a schadenfreude or people who mean well, they're all the same to you. and you laugh again. at home, you're stuck with screams and noise and orders and chores until everyone leaves, and when they do, you have a choice: you can pull through your headache and force yourself to study, and lie down till you fall asleep with the sunrise, or you can drink; you can drink and drink and drink, mix your whiskey with any medicine; maybe tonight it'll be it, maybe it won't and you'll have to catch up and do everything all over again.

April 1, 2022

[8:25 PM]ramstead (corrupted)

April 4, 2022

[12:25 PM]ramstead: did i just remember something?

[12:25 PM]ramstead: was [REDACTED] the first to call me flower of the east

[12:25 PM]ramstead: then i showed it to [REDACTED]

[12:25 PM]ramstead: and he mirrored it?

April 5, 2022

[2:34 AM]ramstead: coulda told me he was gonna get drunk

[2:35 AM]ramstead: yk who wouldve vced and study with me...

[2:35 AM]ramstead: i just

[2:35 AM]ramstead: why

[2:35 AM]ramstead: like how can someone say he cares so much but

[2:35 AM]ramstead: i guess we really do clash

[2:35 AM]ramstead: like we're just not compatible

[2:36 AM]ramstead: :/

[2:37 AM]ramstead: im tired of depending on him like that

[2:37 AM]ramstead: we were gonna game

[2:37 AM]ramstead: imagine

[2:38 AM]ramstead: would he have gone home earlier if we were gonna game?

[2:38 AM]ramstead: if i hadnt told him abt the assignment?

[2:38 AM]ramstead: i think its time

[2:38 AM]ramstead: im also digging out the google doc

[2:38 AM]ramstead: its time

[2:38 AM]ramstead: im seriously tired of this

[10:28 PM]ramstead: 260 huit six zero

April 6, 2022

[1:35 AM]ramstead: why did you give away the necklace sam gsve you youbstpid btihc

April 10, 2022

[3:14 AM]ramstead: tolok me a wbile tl guess how i ended hp in my pjs

[3:14 AM]ramstead: dont remember pitting them kn nor getting undressed

[3:14 AM]ramstead: however i have a vague memory of showering

[3:14 AM]ramstead: wasnt sure at first thst i did at all

[3:14 AM]ramstead: but i think i did

[3:14 AM]ramstead: thanks

[3:15 AM]ramstead: hey shrimp

[3:15 AM]ramstead: if you ever feel like giving up

[3:16 AM]ramstead: close yoir eyes and think of the sunlight

[3:16 AM]ramstead: how cold it starts at dawn, but how warm it feels in your chest

[3:19 AM]ramstead: i mistook fantasy for reality again

[3:19 AM]ramstead: the thing i wrote was important.. dammit

[3:20 AM]ramstead: think..

[3:21 AM]ramstead: give..gives..

[3:22 AM]ramstead: divine?

[3:26 AM]ramstead: dammit

[3:27 AM]ramstead: lsd

[3:27 AM]ramstead: uhh

[3:28 AM]ramstead: think

[3:28 AM]ramstead: hm..

[3:29 AM]ramstead: it was abt ayahuasca

[3:29 AM]ramstead: was important..

[3:30 AM]ramstead: a song..

July 11, 2022

11:32 PM]ramstead: when he sajd

[11:32 PM]ramstead: he misses hsppy rachel

[11:32 PM]ramstead: that hurt lol

August 6, 2022

[2:01 AM]ramstead: i dont understand

[2:01 AM]ramstead: imsorry

[2:01 AM]ramstead: its like im alwayhs messing oup

[2:02 AM]ramstead: befriending people you hate

[2:02 AM]ramstead: im sorry

[2:02 AM]ramstead: i always end up missing them

[2:02 AM]ramstead: and i always thingk theyre right and im wrong

[2:02 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED] .[REDACTED],[REDACTED]

[2:02 AM]ramstead: andceline thinks [REDACTED] the only nor mal one

[2:02 AM]ramstead: she doesnt know hes the same perosn as the one imentioned bedore

[2:02 AM]ramstead: i dont havr the heart to tell her

[2:03 AM]ramstead: im alone

[2:03 AM]ramstead: it hurts to admit

[2:03 AM]ramstead: i dug myself in that pit myself

[2:03 AM]ramstead: im alone

[2:03 AM]ramstead: no-ones ever gonna understand

[2:03 AM]ramstead: guess imc ursed lol right

[2:03 AM]ramstead: everyone who loves me threatens to hurt themselves

[2:03 AM]ramstead: or does

[2:03 AM]ramstead: or threatens suicide

[2:04 AM]ramstead: even [REDACTED] did at somepoint

[2:04 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED] too

[2:04 AM]ramstead: did [REDACTED]? i dont remember

[2:04 AM]ramstead: i think he straight up [REDACTED]

[2:04 AM]ramstead: does it count?

[2:04 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED] punched walls

[2:04 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED] too and he sent pics

[2:04 AM]ramstead: dont even wanna talk about [REDACTED]

[2:04 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED]

[2:05 AM]ramstead: [REDACTED]

[2:05 AM]ramstead: whhy do i so rarely end up loving them basck

[2:06 AM]ramstead: i wish i could find someone who didnt hate loving me so much theyd resort to lying

[2:06 AM]ramstead: lying about how long weve been dating or dating at all - 4 people

[2:06 AM]ramstead: 4 did it

[2:07 AM]ramstead: someone who saw me as an equal

[2:07 AM]ramstead: like the person from the burnt letter

[2:07 AM]ramstead: someone like the moon maybe

[2:07 AM]ramstead: i get why youre angry

[2:07 AM]ramstead: part of it at least

[2:07 AM]ramstead: is because you only wanted her

[2:08 AM]ramstead: and you wanted to stay loyalto her

[2:08 AM]ramstead: you were also mad like that when we fainted

[2:08 AM]ramstead: bc we promised we'd never be weak

[2:10 AM]ramstead: i found the google doc

[2:10 AM]ramstead: i cant type in it

[2:10 AM]ramstead: i dont know if i wanna read it

6-7/8/2022

[Note: This entry was in response to the last Google Doc entry (the ones with no timestamp)]

ypure gross

How dare you talk about her like tha

im lost im so so lost

how the fuck am i already 21 lmao

what exactly does saint refer to

can someone help

I dont even care,

Mon, Oct 17, 2022, 06:58:07 Eastern European Summer Time

read that echinopsis subdenudata is bolivian, so we're listening to music together :] (corrupted)

1/07/2023 12:45 AM

please hold .y band

sophie

hold my hand

1/13/2023

Good evening,

I'm still in the process of getting all of the entries in one place.

Some of them greatly disturbed me, some of them felt familiar enough.

However, I cannot say that I remember writing any of them. Which is very troubling, because I clearly recall the existence of the document...although, it took me a few minutes to remember how I even found it.

I have no idea what this means, but... I think that someone will find some use in these ramblings - either someone who cares about me and seeks to understand how my brain works, or someone who's interested in amnesia.

In response to some of the things I've read:

Our college grades are infinitely better. I'm don't recall doing all of the assignments/exams, but I will tell you, if it reassures you, that one side of you is very hardworking -and, in my opinion, quite smart. :)

And yes, I will pay Acheron's toll once I'm done with this.

As you know, every time I share something deeply personal such as this, I pay Acheron's toll.

Hopefully, more entries will appear here. That is all.

. . . someone took the [REDACTED].

[REDACTED]

1/28/2023 12:07 AM

...

02/20/2023

this isnt supposed to happen

23/03/2023

it's like a constant game of catching up with things...

mentioning "Dagon's" here so you have a ref. of date for his appearance later

17 - 4 - 2023

PARIS

COTD : The Chariot ( Reversed)

I just made it to my hotel! One night here, then straight to Turin.

A foggy day.

They give you your own disposable paper cups for your coffee. I'm in awe. I get to use a coffee machine in my hotel room, fill my own coffee cup - one I can take outside like it's from a cafe - with no added fee? Why does this make me so happy? I love it.

19 APR. 2023

1 day till solar eclipse

Woke up at 6:17, Jana asked me to wake her up at 7 so I did - we had breakfast in the room then met up with Joud and Ralph.

She gave me 1/2 croissant & I fed it to the pigeons.

Pigeons are smart & they are also gossips.

TIL about Artemisia Gentileschi, a baroque artist known for painting female figures in the bible & their suffering.

MEMORY GAPS, NOT MUCH ELSE TO ADD HERE.

MUSEUM IN MILAN. FOOD. METRO. MONSTER.

DRINKS.

JANA IS A BIT DRUNK & HIGH ? ? IDK ? ? SHE'S REALLY

NOT THAT DIFFERENT UNDER THE

INFLUENCE, JUST WOOZIER. IN MY

HEART OF HEARTS, I AM GLAD I ONLY GET

DRUNK ALONE (AT HOME)

TONIGHT, I HAD

FLASHBACKS

OF BEL ON

THE FLOOR

I. COULD. TASTE. THE. BLOOD.

IS IT MY FAULT? HOW MANY

WERE WITH ME? SAINT,

CROW, & THE WEEPING

SOUL OF THE MOTIONLESS

BEL. PEOPLE LIKE ME

SELDOM GET SOFT HEARTS,

SELDOM RETURN TO THE

BLIND EMBRACE OF THE

MUNDANE, WHEN YOU COULDN'T

SEE THE CONSTRUCTION LINES

OF THE PERCEIVED, THE

SEAMS IN GOD'S CREATION.

BUT I WILL FORGET

AGAIN. CHAOS. MOTHER?

DO I REALLY MIND?

WHEN YOU CAN HEAR THE

BUZZING OF THE POWER

LINES, THE WHISPERS IN THE

ASPHALT, THE MESSAGES OF

THE CLOUDS, WOULD YOU BEG

YOUR MAKER FOR MERCY? TO

BE DEAF? SHOULDN'T I WISH

FOR NORMALCY? I ONLY CRAVE REALITY.

31 MAR. 2024

1:31 AM

"to beocme a patron saint, first you have to die"

10 APR. 2024

1:53 AM

A lot to catch up on.

25 APR. 2024

9:35 AM

work is getting on my nerves

i still have to decide on where im gonna study for my masters. the surest option rn is france

actually it isnt really france, we have a few months in france then its 6 in finland

and 6 in vietnam.

last night sucked

i remember being with him then hed keep insisting on Fixing The Situation

will not elaborate on that

but then it felt like i was dying

like the more it went on

and i found myself screaming for anyone to take my place

in my head ofc

cuz i figured thats how it works right

i was just yelling out names man

esp baltasar for some reason

then i remember dissociating really hard and i kind of went mute

but also i was sort of playing dead fish

as in just being agreeable and saying yes until the situation was over

and then he asked me why i was so calm

and he asked what kind of bird i was

funny

btw i find it funny that i used to talk abt coke like its drugs in the other entries

its just coca cola

i think i used to mix it with alcohol or energy drinks

and i depended on it cuz id find the taste of some alcohol gross but i needed to drink you know

maybe i shouldnt have quit meds cold turkey


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